We four was the crew

It's not important who the players are.....it's only important that I spill forth what I need to say. Crew = hubby, two buds and me.

I don't remember how we became the "crew"....it just came to be and we all "referenced" that we four were the "crew".  Not meant to keep others out or isolate - just a simple label....we four were close in ever facet...it was easy...and fun....the laughing came easily, carrying on was rampant, and constant daily razzing was the norm. 

We four are pilots, not the kind that fly kit planes that come in a box from the store (not that there is anything wrong with that, ha) we fly real planes that lift off the earth and head towards the sky, soothing our hearts.  It was the glue that bound us close,  re-kindling our inner child. The kind of joy that can grasp your innocence and bring back, that which we often times misplace when we become adults. It was that kind of flying, that kind of passion. That kind of friendship.

Then it changed, it's not important the how.....or why.  It just changed.  They told me over and over, it will be fine. They told me it was temporary. Then they said sometimes things in life change to never go back. I wasn't prepared, I was blindsided and confused. I hate change.

Then the story changed again.  There were stipulations, things were quiet and distant. There was no laughing, there was no razzing, no contact, there was silence. Then the elephant came to visit my barn and I struggled.  I don't particularly care for elephants now.  I am at a loss, still.  It's gone on too long, It's hurtful, it's painful....truth. 

I have always been one of the "boys" yet I look different. If I was paid for every time that was said, I'd be rich.  I wish it was that easy, it isn't.  I own two "X" chromosomes, they float in me and have wreaked havoc on my mental outlook this time.  I am not a "flat-liner", my emotions are written on my face - laid out, it's hard to battle them and sweep them under the rug.  I want to cut the emotion out, I want to ignore, I cannot as the universe has other plans for me. Is this what they call a life lesson? I'm tired of thinking, I'm tired of the elephant visiting my barn. I am of a logical mindset, yet, I'm not able to resolve this....friends to deathly silence.

Truth be told, I am very selfish...there I said it out loud....mainly with my airport buds...shared passions, like interest, same humor...was a good recipe for a long time. The recipe has changed and I don't want to heed the new directions laid out for me on the small recipe 4x5 card,, I'm stubborn like that.

It is my wish, my 2015 resolution that I conquer this. Its been hanging on me like a wet leaf...it has been trying, how do you go from a great friendship to nothing overnight?  What are you supposed to do if it just stops and ends?? Splain.

I feel a great dishonor...It's hard to put to pen....realizing some people aren't meant to continue on my path of life. I must not hold tight, it will soon slip through my fingers, falling on the ground.  While painful for me it is time to let it go. I don't want to close my heart off, it's not how I am made up.  It's one of those things, or it used to be, a best friend that you could afford to be stupid with...we had the best fun - gone now.

I am waiting for the universe too wrap her arms around me and settle my unsettled thoughts....I struggle as I want the harmony I once had in my world, with all of my buds in place, my passion steadfast, the peace my barn held for me..it's time, I need to surrender to something that is bigger than me.

It has been said that when one door closes tight, and you lose a special friend, another door opens. seems somewhat cliche to me....I'm not interested right now...I know you will say don't be closed off.

Today I am looking ahead as I can no longer sacrifice the person I am to something that has ended. I will forge ahead knowing that the universe has other plans for me.  Seems my timing was off.......IWBF (I will be fine, my bud always told me that) - YUP my head held high I need to focus ahead.

I don't think our friendship will ever be right again...that makes me sad. 

Did I tell you I hate change......it's tough when your friend begins to ignore you. It's even tougher to pretend you don't mind.  A broken friendship can be a comma or a full stop.......it's a choice.

This is not the an uplifting share, I know. It was something I had to put to pen, and while my feelings have been raw for some time, who knows where things will end up.

Have faith, because believe it or not, I do.

Peace.